“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
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