This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
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