“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
Go to BabaMail
