“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
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