“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
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