"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
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