"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
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