"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
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