"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
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