"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
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