“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
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