"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
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