“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
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