"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
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