“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
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