"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
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