“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
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