"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
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