“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
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