“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
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