“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
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