“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
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