“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
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