"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
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