"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"I don't tan. I burn"
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
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