“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
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