“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
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