"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
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