“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
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