"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
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