Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
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