"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
Go to BabaMail
