“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
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