“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
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