"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
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