“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
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