"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
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