“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
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