“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
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