"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
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