"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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