"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
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