“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
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