"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
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