“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
"Humor is reason gone mad."
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
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