“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
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