"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
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