“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
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