"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“The road to success is always under construction.”
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