“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
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