"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
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