“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
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