"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“Monday should be optional.”
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
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