“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
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