“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
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