“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
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