“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
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