"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
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