“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
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