“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
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