"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
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