"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
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