“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
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