“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
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