“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
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