"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
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