"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
Go to BabaMail
