“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
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