“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
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