“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
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