“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
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