"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
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