"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
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