My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
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