“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
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