"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
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