“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
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