“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
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