"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
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