"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
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