Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
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