“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
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