“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
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