"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
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