“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
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