“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
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