“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
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