“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
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