“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
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