“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
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