“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
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