“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
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