“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
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