"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.