“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
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