“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Monday should be optional.”
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
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