“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
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