“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
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