"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack