“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
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