“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
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