"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
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