"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
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