"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
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