"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
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