"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
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