"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
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