"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
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