“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
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