"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
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