"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
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