"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
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