"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West