"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler