"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
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