"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy