"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
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