"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
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