"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
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