"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
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