"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
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