“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
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