"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
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