"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
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