“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
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