"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
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