"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
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