"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
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