"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
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