"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Time wounds all heels."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
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