"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
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