"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
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