"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Time wounds all heels."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
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