"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Humor is reason gone mad."
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