"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
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