"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Time wounds all heels."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
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