"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Time wounds all heels."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."