"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Time wounds all heels."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
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