"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Time wounds all heels."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
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