"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
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