"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Time wounds all heels."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."