"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
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