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dirty valentine scouse verses Jokes

dirty valentine scouse verses Jokes and more.
A Dirty-Minded Captain
A jumbo jet is on its final approach coming in to Toronto Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom. "This is your Captain speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what you gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give it to her big-time all night." Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta use the bathroom first."
Mouse Puns
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
The Dirty Blinds
A man foolishly asks his wife why she keeps staring out of the window. Taking a very deep breath she replies "I'm really fed up with the state of Mrs Brown's blinds. Mrs Perkin's aren't much better. And that Mrs Lewis- scruffy cow. Look at them- filthy. They're just not house proud like me. Dirty blinds are such an eyesore. If you were a real man you'd go over and get them to do something about it. In fact, you must- for I won't stand for it any longer." "I'll tell you what," says the man as he peers through the window beside her; "I'll see what I can do." The following morning, she approaches him, beaming. "I can't believe it. The blinds. They're all immaculate. What did you say to them?" "Nothing." he says "I just cleaned the window."
Pig Puns
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
One Liners and Short Jokes
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Peach Puns
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Pun Puns
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Valentines Day Puns
You're acute Valentine.
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
A Lesson In Human Anatomy
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Inviting Friends Over
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight." As expected, the wife wasn't happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening. His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!" The husband said, "I know all that." The wife looked at him with incredulity. She wondered when she would ever get a little peace. "Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife. The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
One Liners for Kids
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
Watermelon Puns
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Worm Puns
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
The Old Man and the Rain
An old man was walking in the desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality, taking care of his donkey and feeding him. While having dinner, he was surprised to be offered camel milk, as it is of notoriously bad taste. He thus asked about it and was told that the village has been cursed with an everlasting drought, and that the people have resorted to saving however little water they could find for crops. "Truth be told, I am one of the wise.", he said, "I know how to bring you rain. However, you must first bring me a wide bucket full of water, for I need some to bring more." The next morning, all of the villagers heard of his saying, and started collecting every drop of water they still had in reserve. In the end, there was barely enough to qualify for a bucket, and they gave it to the man. He then took the water, and walked within his host's house. There, he took off his dirty clothes, and started washing them. A curious one of the kids saw him through the window, and went on to alert everyone around. By the time they arrived, angry and shouting, it was already too late. The old man has washed all his clothes and was calmly hanging them. "Shame! Shame on you, old man, for wasting our water when our kids don't have enough to drink!" growled the chief. But as soon as he finished speaking, the sky darkened as the clouds gathered around the village. It started raining and it did not stop for 5 days straight. People got their fill, and everyone's reserves were overflowing. The old man was treated as a guest of honor and a hero, and the chief apologized profusely for ever doubting him. Only when he was about to leave, had the kid gathered the courage to ask about how he did it. "It's simple," said the old man "this always happens when I hang my clothes to dry."
The Potent Verse
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house! Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.") When the burglar heard this, he stopped dead in his tracks, blanched and raised two shaking hands. The woman quickly called the police and told them exactly what happened. They arrived minutes later with sirens blaring. Several officers strode in and took the unresisting man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse." "Scripture? What scripture??" replied the confused burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
Heart Puns
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
The Wrong Answer
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Arnold gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones, another student, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied: "That would be the pupil of the eye, under conditions of dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you: One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three... you will someday be faced with dreadful disappointment."
Cheese Puns
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Phone Puns
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
Love Puns
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
Tea Puns
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
The Alcoholic Connoisseur
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's... that's correct.", said the boss, astonished. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results.” "Correct!" A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was blow away, but in case this was some sort of hoax, he wanted to put the man to a real test. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
Funny Health Quotes
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"

- Unknown.
Medical Pick Up Lines
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
Owl Puns
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
Three Prosperous Sons Return Home to Mom
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother." The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!" "David," she said, "you were the only one who sent me a good gift, that chicken was delicious!"
Cheesy Pick Up Lines
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Soap Puns
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Hockey Pick Up Lines
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
Monster Puns
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Crab Puns
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Geology Puns
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
River Puns
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
Mouth Puns
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
Chocolate Puns
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Dog Puns
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
Strawberry Puns
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Meat Puns
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Friendship Quotes
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
The Valentine's Day Gift
It was a few days before Valentine's Day and a young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?" Her husband smiled. "Oh, I have a feeling you'll know later tonight." he said with a wink. His wife squealed with joy. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it... only to find a book titled "The meaning of dreams."
Flower Puns
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
Tree Puns
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
The Vow of Silence
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the abbot (the head monk). The abbot said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years." The man agreed. After the first three years, the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "Food cold!" the man replied. The abbot made sure the meals are not cold. Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed. The abbot ordered his robe be washed. Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?" - "Bed hard!". The abbot made sure the mattress got re-stuffed. Three more years went by and the abbot came to him and said, "What are your two words?" - "I quit!" said the man. "Well," the abbot replied, "I'm not surprised - you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"
Nuts Puns
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Elvis Pick Up Lines
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
Why Go to the Bar at All?
This is a story about a newlywed couple who had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies . So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India - they had it all. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I promise. OK?" You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. The husband tries once again. "But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, sweetie pie? Smiled the wife. "Then drink your bloody beer in your darn frozen mug and eat your stupid snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, moron?"
The KGB Way
An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, MI6 and KGB. The MI6 team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later. "As far as we can determine, the remains are about 600,000 years old." Not to be outdone by the MI6, the CIA goes in and comes out about 8 hours later. "The remains are approximately 615,550 years old. This is what we have been able to determine with our superior forensics technology." Before the CIA is even done giving their report, the 2 man KGB team is already making their way towards the cave with nothing but a gym bag one of them is holding. They enter the cave and make their way towards the remains. Soon after, sounds of shouting, swearing and banging start coming out of the cave and they don't let up for 2 whole days. When the KGB forensics team finally leaves the cave, they are dirty and disheveled, their clothes ripped and their tools are damaged. "So, the remains are 623,118 years, 3 months, 2 weeks and 6 days old." Amazed and dumbfounded, the archeologists and other forensics teams ask how they could possible determine the age of the remains to such an exact date. The KGB agents look knowingly at each other and one of them says: "He confessed."