“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
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