[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
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