“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
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