Week Jokes

“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”

- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
Writing to Baby Jesus
Writing to Baby Jesus A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas, so he asked his mother. His mother replied, "Well, we can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.' The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.' Then he looked at it and thought maybe that wasn't entirely true, so he tried again. 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good for the past week, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.' Then he looked at it again and still wasn't sure if that was true, so he tried yet again. 'Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bike, I'll be good all year.' But even then that seemed too hard, so he took a walk outside to think about it. As he was walking, he saw his neighbor's statue of Mother Mary. The boy hopped over the fence, tucked it under his shoulder and ran home to hide it. Then wrote his letter again. 'Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, give me a bike!'
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Want to start your day laughing? Register to our Daily Joke!
Did you mean:
Continue With: Facebook Google
By continuing, you agree to our T&C and Privacy Policy