Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.
True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.
"My gosh... Is that you, Dan?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!"
"What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank. "I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
The KGB and the Rabbit
Years ago, the CIA, the Mossad and the KGB were tasked to find a rabbit in a dense forest as a friendly competition between agencies.
The CIA, returns with a rabbit in 24 hours, explaining that they'd used an array of satellites pinpointing the location of the rabbit in record time.
The Mossad returns with a rabbit in 48 hours, stating that they'd used a network of informants and ground operatives to locate the rabbit with a fraction of the cost.
The KGB agents return after 5 days with a giant bear.
Surprised and bemused, the other parties laugh and say to the KGB that they were supposed to bring back a rabbit!
The KGB agents replied: "This is a rabbit, ask it for yourself if you don't believe us."
As they all turn towards the bear.
The bear glances at the KGB agents fearfully and says: "I'm a rabbit."
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hareline
Never Felt Better Doc
A happy 90-year-old man walked into the doctor's office. He was all smiles and laughed with the nurses and staff, until they brought him in to see the doctor.
The doctor examined him and told him he should start eating better, because his health was not in that great a shape.
The old man was surprised, he said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor smiled, "My point exactly."
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common? Mad hops.
The Ex-Jewish Rabbit
So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives.
His friend says, "Please come back to us."
The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore."
His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue! You used to lead us and we miss you!"
Almost dropping his cup due to the tugging, the rabbit rights himself and says, "You almost made me break my favorite cup! Please leave!"
His friend angrily storms off. The rabbit's wife comes out and says, "What was that about?"
The rabbit says, "My friend wanted me to lead the community at the synagogue again, but I would've had to drop the tea."
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit
surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," the rabbit replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce? Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Why the LAPD is Special
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas? Bugs bunny.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota! Mechanic said it could be car rot.
What kind of Animal Are You?
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him.
When he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer!"