"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
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