“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
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