“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
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