Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
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