“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
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