"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
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