“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
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