“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
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