“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
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