"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
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