“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
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