"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
Go to BabaMail
