"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
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