“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
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