"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
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